Under the radar

I wish that I had lived by this mantra...so that when I leave my house I don't have to wonder who is whispering behind my back. Wonder who knows what, and what exactly they heard.

I wish that I could start again.  Move and just start again.  Take the kids and be somewhere that no one knows the past and we can start again without it dragging behind us.  As hard as it is on me, it has to be harder on them.  But since Sam and I are divorced, we are stuck.  Sam would never move.  Yes, I've asked...it made him angry.

Every time we invite a kid over, I wonder if the parents know.  If they know and will say their kid can't come over because of it.  I wonder how much it is talked about now...almost 4 years later.

But I live every day now so that no one would believe the past.   I have tried to change so much.  Mainly I try to fly under the radar.  I show up at all of the events, I am pleasant, I smile, I focus on the kids, and I leave.  I try to not show who I really am anymore.

But maybe there was some good in the old me.  Maybe some of my spunk and my humor and my sarcasm weren't all bad.  Maybe I can find a way to be both people.  A person people can like and trust, and also a person that is funny and witty and sarcastic.  But I am just not sure who that person looks like.  I think you have to be confident to be funny or poke fun, and I am the opposite of confident.  But maybe I shouldn't want to be the old me.  Maybe flying under the radar is really what is best for me, and most importantly the kids.  The kids don't need me to have friends, or to have a social life, or to feel welcomed and a part of, they just need me to be dependable and there for them.  I need to worry about their social lives, not my own.  I only have a few years left before they fly the coop, and I can wait to worry about me.