When the thought of divorce first started to enter my mind Emma and Ethan were about 6 and 8 years old, and we had been married about 13 years. My career was raging and I was constantly fighting with Sam about my time. He was always mad at me. Always complaining that I wasn't doing the right things. Complaining if we didn't have food in the house, if dinner wasn't ready, if the kids didn't have clean clothes, if I was on the phone with a client and couldn't get the kids ready for bed. I was constantly being pulled to do more than I could possibly do in one day. I wasn't letting go of my career, my clients, my sales, even a little bit. At this point that is how I defined myself...as a rock star real estate agent. I resented that he wanted me to do all of the things a housewife does when I was making more money than him. I believe he wanted to keep me "in my place," and I fought that with every ounce of my being.
On the weekends sometimes he would take the kids up north to our cabin, or camping. He always wanted me to come too, and I always had a reason to stay. This infuriated him, but it was worth it to me to have a couple of days where I could work and relax. My time was my own. I actually watched tv sometimes...a luxury I gave up for years. I enjoyed my time alone so much...without anyone asking me for anything...for my time and attention...other than my clients, and I was always happy to help them. It didn't happen very often, but when it did it was my favorite time.
I wanted time away from my kids, my family. I wanted to breath. I wanted to be myself and be selfish. When I think about that now, and try to picture my kids at those ages, I literally become nauseous. How could I have wanted time away from them so much? How could I have not appreciated who they were at the time? How come I didn't take pleasure in parenting? How come I didn't have a sense of accomplishment and pride by being a good mother, like I did by being a great real estate agent?
I want so much to do those years over. I want so much to take a step back and realize how little my career was worth, and to really appreciate my kids. I want that so much it makes me ache and hurt in my heart to think about it.
I know that I can't change the past. I know that all I can do is move forward. I have focused on this for the last almost four years. But it is hard to not have regrets, and to not think of what could of and should have been. To not wonder if Emma's issues come from having such a crappy mom for those years. If Ethan will have insecurities because of his mom not loving him enough.
Now I have weekends, every other weekend, alone. Luckily Sam often takes Ethan somewhere and I get to hang with Emma...but not always. Work is slow...probably because I just don't care anymore...and I have isolated myself from people because I don't want to be judged, and I just can't find it in me to trust anyone. My weekends stretch out in front of me...days of nothingness. If I don't work I don't get dressed. I don't leave the house. I eat peanut butter and whatever is in the pantry. I don't date...seriously not even an option. When I am with my kids, I am with my kids. I would never leave them to see a guy, and I wouldn't want to invite him into my life to take any attention away from them. I have friends, but I really don't like any of them. I trust a couple of them...but it has gotten to the point that I really don't relate to them anymore. I can't relate to their problems or priorities. I don't respect their choices. I judge them I guess.
So I sit on the couch in my pj's and watch hour upon hour of Netflix. I laugh because a lot of the tv series I watch were on tv those years that I didn't watch anything. Thank goodness I had those years, or what would I do now? I text Emma way too much...I definitely think I am co-dependant on her, and I don't want to make our relationship unhealthy. I just miss her, and I worry about her all the time. I hate that they are in that house with Sam and his behaviors and his drinking and sleeping. The filth, the lack of food, the lack of attention they must suffer through. Emma stays in her room all day on her laptop, and Ethan plays on his xbox and the computer all day. It makes me sick. Angry and sad at the same time.
If I had been a better mom those years...how would things be different now? Would I want them that way? Would it be better if I were still with Sam? I believe it would be better for the kids, but maybe not for me. I believe that my life getting healthier is good for them, but if I had kept it healthy always it would have been better. I just know that I could never be really healthy if I were still with Sam...so would a medium healthy mom with their dad be better than a really healthy mom without him? And if Sam had stayed healthier with me in his life, that would have been better for them too. So really, I think as a parent I should have stayed with Sam...no matter what. But I didn't...and he didn't...so I need to focus on the now and moving forward. I need to have hope back in my life. That life will be good again. That the kids will find their own happiness and healthiness. That we can get through this.
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