Since I am new to this blogging thing I have been googling other blogs and reading them. It seems the popular ones aren't just telling a story, they are offering inspirations, or humor, or things that will help other moms get through the day and not feel alone.
What I haven't seen out there are other single mommy blogs that say that they are the ones that fucked up. They all have creepy ex's that left them or were never even in the picture. Lots of blogs of women whose husbands had affairs and even other children on the side. But I know I am not the only mommy that fucked up. I know I am not the only one that has to turn that pointing finger to herself. It has to be worth something to be able to stand up and say that I am the reason I am here. I am not letting Sam off the hook completely. There are enough mistakes to go around, but I am also not the victim in this picture.
I am now trying to stop beating myself up. Trying to hold my head high and move on. Trying to find the reason for what happened, and what I learned, and how I can make the best from now forward. Trying to figure out who I am, and what I want from life. What my priorities are and should be. What makes me happy?
I am on my way to visit my friend's babies in the NICU. They were born at 23 weeks, 6 days at 1 pound, 5 ounces each. I was with her when the babies were put inside of her...her husband couldn't get off work. So I feel connected in a special way. But I am also scared. I should have gone before this. I don't know what I didn't. As much as I am jealous of her ridiculously happy marriage, I know that the health of my kids is something she will be jealous of. These babies will be her pride and joy always, but there is no way they will dodge the bullet that their extremely early birth has given them. I just hope they make it through with the best possible consequences. I am going to go today with gratitude and love in my heart. Support, and friendship. Hopefully my friendship will keep her from walking my path.
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