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I have only started reading blogs.  I used to be too busy.  I used to have too many friends.  I used to have a husband.  I used to be more successful at my job.  I used to have everything.  I used to have a life.  But I wasn't happy.  And I didn't appreciate it.  And I lost it.  But maybe that was the right thing, the best thing, the only thing that should have happened.

All of the other single mom blogs, or the mommy blogs, or the popular blogs I have read so far...the author is a victim.  A victim of circumstances.  A victim of their husband, a victim of life.  Not me.  I fucked up.  I fucked everything up, and everything is my fault.  I am not saying this so that you feel sorry for me, or you try to convince me otherwise.  I know this to be true.  What I try to focus on every day is to live my life BETTER than I have in the past.

So in this desperate attempt to not fuck up again, and to live my life in the best way I can, I struggle.  And I feel alone.  And I can't tell people what is going on in my head.  And I am embarrassed.  I have shut out the people that know my past because I don't want to remember.  I don't share what happened in my past with the new people in my life, which keeps me from forming close, "real" relationships.  So I walk through this world alone.

And I am JEALOUS!  I see these other women who don't have any financial concerns.  Who don't have to work.  Who have help from their husband's with the cooking, and the cleaning, and the laundry, and their kids homework...and he earns all the money!   I hate this jealousy.  I hate that I resent those women.  I hate that I put myself in this position.

But I am not always a Debbie Downer.  I have a funny side.  A witty side.  A sarcastic side.  A wild side.  I don't let that side show anymore, because I want to deflect attention... from anyone... but maybe I can show that side here.  Maybe I can make all the comments I want to make here.  And probably no one will read it, but it will be out there, and it will make me feel better.   Maybe this blog will keep me remembering who I really am.  Who I could have been.

I commented on a blog.  A very popular blog.  A blog from the woman I should have been.  She is me...without the mistakes.  And at the end of the week...she posted my comment as one of her favorites.  It made me feel inspired, it made me feel noticed, it made me feel real.  It made me feel like people can relate to me, because I am still a person, though I hide me.  All the time.  With everyone.  So to her, thank you.  You have inspired me that maybe someone would want to hear what I have to say.  Someone will think my opinion is worthwhile, funny, sensitive.  Real.